And of course this country is founded on the double standard. What the fuck do white people have to be blue about? The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. George Carlin, 46. So, basically, what these anti-abortion people are telling us is that any woman who has had more than one period is a serial killer! It's okay if it happens to your finger; yes, you can prick your finger, but don't finger your prick! Save the planet? I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. And I would admit, that somewhere underneath all this there's a little flicker of a flame of idealism that would love to see it all huish! George Carlin was one of the more popular and influential comics to emerge from the 1960s counterculture. This is the best we can do folks. So they killed a lot of white English people, in order to continue owning their black African people, so they could wipe out of the rest of the red Indian people, so they move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown Mexican people, giving them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons on the yellow Japanese people. Catholic kids are stupid; they don't know how to handle a pedophile priest. And that of course was at the end of the Civil War. For instance: a diabetic, on his way to buy insulin, is killed by a runaway truck. And if you read the news even badly, you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter. it simply doesn't give a fuck about you. Nitwits, assholes, fuckups, scumbags, jerkoffs, and dipshits. Occasionally, a couple of jokes on a long list might have come from me, but not often. I leave that to others. Weve learned how to make a living but not a life. 'Cause everything in this country is king size, extra-large and super jumbo. I, George Carlin, being of sound mind, do not wish, upon my demise, to be buried or cremated. The only person who is with us our entire life is ourselves. George Carlin, 33. And these people with the fires and the floods and everything, they overbuild, they put nature to the test and they get what's coming to them. Dont sweat the petty things and dont pet the sweaty things. George Carlin, 19. Say, pardon me? (shoots gun) Im awfully sorry. Manage Settings 'Cause chickens are decent people. They want obedient workers, people who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork. People don't know that, tell them when they're in your car. 22. Were goin away. We haven't tried that for a while. Something I could really count on. It's nothing. Its never going to get any better. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. You know how you speed up baseball? Conservatives say if you dont give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!". 47. It sounds like this: "What, they have bigger dicks? Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. And the proof of it, the proof of it is, they don't even trust each other. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. Isnt it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?, 8. That would be a nice realistic campaign slogan for somebody: "The public sucks. "One thing leads to another"? It's all over the language now "pre"-this, "pre"-that, place the turkey in a "pre-heated" oven. But he loves you. Your email address will not be published. You dont have to be a historian or a political scientist to see the bigger-dick foreign policy at work. You never see a memo that says 9:01. Dead. Save the planet? Injuring, hurting, killing, drinking are all part of it because youve lost your identity because you now owe your allegiance to this thing thats bigger than you are and that controls you. George Carlin, 71. Its like watching flies fuck! If you take five white guys and put em with five black guys, and let em hang around together for about a month, and at the end of the month, youll notice that the white guys are walking and talking and standing like the black guys do. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. There's a nice campaign slogan for somebody: 'The Public Sucks. We are on a nice downward glide. Are these fucking people kidding me? That's all we've ever had in this country, is a bill of temporary privileges. If its true that our species is alone in the universe, then Id have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. George Carlin, 37. Everybody's going to save something now. I'd like to repeat that, because it sounds *vaguely* important! You have no choice. BAM! But you'll see guys with red hair named Duffy going, "What's happenin'?". To me, war is a lot of prick-waving! Everyone smiles in the same language. George Carlin, 35. Broadly speaking. And what can we do to silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose? They never mention coffee. And that's the problem. Put the blame where it belongs: on the people. They own, and control the corporations. Why are there ten? Don't blame me. Pretty neat deal, huh? ""Now, there's one thing you might have noticed I don't complain about: politicians. Change His plan? So come on in. In fact, I regularly pray for serious, life-threatening rodeo injuries. Where would we be without our safe, familiar, American bullshit? Fertilization. I want people to know that I take care with my writing, and try to keep my standards high. They don't mention anything about cursing a lack of candles. It's as simple as that. We'll stand it up in Rockefeller Plaza and conceal its natural beauty by hanging shiny, repulsive, man-made objects on it, and let it stand there slowly dying for several weeks while simpleminded children stare at it and people from Des Moines take pictures of it. I do not torture animals, and I do not support the torture of animals, such as that which goes on at rodeos: cowardly men in big hats abusing simple beasts in a fruitless search for manhood. Im not sure silencing people or forcing them to alter their speech is the best method for solving problems that go much deeper than speech. George Carlin, 62. Because Im an American and I expect a little cancer in my food and water. Parents are full of shit, teachers are full of shit, clergymen are full of shit, and law enforcement people are fullofshit this entire country. Dont look for it. Come on in for a free demonstration and a free consultation with our friendly professional staff. I can't follow the logic on that one at all! You're a winner!" It will not be with jack-boots. If the parent corporation doesnt want you to know something, it wont be on the news. At least he's honest about being, Everybody knows by now, all businessmen are completely full of shit; just the worst kind of low-life, criminal, cocksuckers you could ever wanna' run into a fuckin' piece of shit businessman. Of all the things you can do, giving someone an orgasm is hardly the worst thing in the world. Americans love to eat. Men are terrified that their pricks are inadequate and so they have to compete with one another, to feel better about themselves, and since war is the ultimate competition, basically, men are killing each other in order to improve their self-esteem! George Carlin's acerbic wit and profound societal insights were a one time cultural phenomenon. It's true. Dole tried to hide it, didn't he? But no, Dorko in the plaid knickers is gonna hit it again, and walk some more. Im completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. With Nina Feldman. They keep the lower and the middle classes fighting with each other so that they, the rich, can run off with all the fucking money! When you get to Wikipedia, in the search field for Wikipedia, I want you to type in ". Because chickens are decent people. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. That's the only thing. We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass. George Carlin, 79. Because you have the illusion of choice! The only country that could invade America is America! "Hey! ""You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? We made the whole fucking thing up! They dont mention anything about cursing a lack of candles. What's the alternative to pumping out a unit every nine months? In prisons, before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol! The sanctity of life doesnt seem to apply to cancer cells, does it? Awfully sorry.. And do people really watch this shit? Don't give your money to the church. I think if white people are gonna burn down black churches, then black people ought to burn down the House of Blues! Fewer Texans. Well who has less abortions than homosexuals? Bomb them!" Never join a group that has a name. They don't give a fuck about you. These people were given. And if you read the news even badly, you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter. Its never just a game when youre winning. George Carlin, 7. Otherwise it doesn't really work, does it? 28. When youre born you get a ticket to the freak show. And complaining about the politicians. 43. And if, somehow, you must join, if its unavoidable, such as a union or a trade association, go ahead and join. 'You give us a color, we'll wipe it out. And in 2017, Rolling Stone magazine ranked Carlin second on its list of the 50 Best Stand-Up Comics of All Time, just behind Richard Pryor. Religion has convinced people that theres an invisible man living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. Because theres no money in that problem. To me, authority is something that a freer spirit, a more independent mind, and a person who can handle the world, doesnt need guidance from. George Carlin, 61. Careful, if you think too much, theyll take you away. George Carlin, 77. The upper class keeps all of the money, pays none of the taxes. They don't fall out of the sky. 25. Why did they decide that? "No." I am perfectly willing to share the room with a fly, as long as he is patrolling that portion of the room I dont occupy. Thats three million plus acres, four thousand, eight hundred and twenty square miles. They say, 'If you don't vote, you have no right to complain,' but where's the logic in that? Dont just teach your children to read Teach them to question everything that they read Teach them to question everything. George Carlin, 86. "Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.". No money to be made off of the homeless. It is a coincidence. The Young People Who Traverse Dimensions While Wearing Sunglasses, You Can Be The Reason Someone Feels Okay In Their OwnSkin, The Best Dating Sites and Apps: Complete List of the Top Online DatingPlatforms. 14. Everywhere you go now, there's some dick, some yo-yo, some putz with a camcorder, and he is going to tapeEVERYTHING! People are wonderful one at a time. The mayfly lives only one day. 51. An airline pilot who has on two different shoes. A boring game for boring people. Some people are really fucking stupid. Just for you? When youre born in America, you get a front row seat. George Carlin, 48. The Zen Teachings of George Carlin, a Comedian Who Pointed the Way Judd Apatow and Michael Bonfiglio's new HBO documentary "George Carlin's American Dream" takes viewers on a tour through. People don't believe that! I call it circling the drain And the circles get smaller and smaller and faster and faster, if you watch the sink empty Huish! The people are fucked! A pimp who drives a Toyota Corolla. [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_zwB6GLpo4&w=584&h=390]. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt! Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. Various lists of humorous one-liners were forwarded through email in the 1990s, falsely attributed to George Carlin. Period. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place, man? Sooner or later the people in this country are going to realize: the government does not give a fuck about them. Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life. George Carlin, 5. Doesn't this piss you off? But he can't say, "I think he hurt his balls on that play, Tony, don't you?". Remember that? George Carlin was an outspoken comic, known for his brash sense of humor, foul language and controversial views on politics, religion and other sensitive subjects. Whether you agree with him or not, George Carlins views on government are definitely worth considering. And for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan has been doing just fine. Maybe this time it'll work. I think humans were given great great gifts: walking upright, binocular vision, opposable thumb, large brain We grew. This is my list: guys in their fifties named "Skip." Here are 51 quotes from the late comedian that show him at his best hilarious, irascible and never satisfied with the state of society. Yeup, sooner or later the people in this country are going to realize the government doesn't give a fuck about them. Here's my problem with the Ten Commandments: why are there ten? If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. Feel free to reach out and connect. I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. The poor are there just to scare the shit out of the middle class. It simply does not give a fuck about you! Whether you agree with him or not, Carlins views are definitely worth considering. Pack your shit, were goin away. Here is an entire class of people guaranteed never to have an abortion and the Catholics and the Christians are just tossing them aside. There are no innocent victims. If you take five white guys and put 'em with five black guys, and let 'em hang around together for about a month, and at the end of the month, you'll notice that the white guys are walking and talking and standing like the black guys do. They're privileges. And now they're coming for your Social Security money. I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. 2K views, 27 likes, 7 loves, 18 comments, 0 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Dbstvstlucia: DBS MORNING SHOW & OBITUARIES 25TH APRIL 2023 APRIL 2023 No. And the other two-way word is "prick". Are these people kidding? It's true! Darryl Stingley, the pro football player, was paralyzed after a brutal hit by Jack Tatum. No nothing. George Carlin- The official home of one of the most important and influential American stand-up comedian, social critic, actor, and author. People are selfish. They don't fall out of the sky; they don't pass through a membrane from a separate reality. It's called "fucking with people! In fact, sometimes you get the impression that theyre the only ones who vote. You know? It's supposed to imply thoughtfulness or intelligence. Anyone who pays for vaginal jelly with an Exxon credit card. There's a reason for this, there's a reason education. There are over seventeen thousand golf courses in America, they average over one hundred and fifty acres a piece. Now we're really going to get even: we're sending experts to show them how to run their economy. 31. We won the big game today, yes sir!" You see all, sooner or later. Carlin got famous for his bit about the words you cant say on television, but his legacy speaks of so much more, wisdom and wit that deserve to live on through the ages. Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body. George Carlin, 45. George Carlin - Government doesn't care about you ThreeToedPete 955 subscribers Subscribe 504 35K views 12 years ago Someday the people of this country are gonna realize that the government. After all, he was one of the most successful comedians of all time! Its been here over four billion years The planet isnt goin anywhere, folks. You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous. If black boxes survive air crashes why dont they make the whole plane out of that stuff? George Carlin, 55. That's what all that adolescent, macho, male posturing and strutting in bars and locker rooms is all about. I love the freedoms we used to have. Required fields are marked *. I say, Drop the pipe, and go to the dick! And the supreme arrogance? Must be another one of those "miracles.". They don't take into them the idea that we are part of it. Youd think theyd make natural allies. We made the whole fucking thing up! Birth control pills are still on prescription. The sword of god, the blood of the lamb, 'vengeance is mine'; millions of dead motherfuckers. While some of his views may not be popular among the masses, he does make an interesting point when it comes to government. (101), Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence. I love it when it didn't take a, Now, if you think you do have rights, one last assignment for you. Nature is in here. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time. Not me. Nobody goes right to work. 16. They own you. That's another complaint of mine too much use of this prefix "pre". One of them turns the radio OFF, and the other one. ""Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of 'em are stupider than that. If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. Heres some bumper stickers Id like to see: We are the proud parents of a child whose self esteem is sufficient that he doesnt need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car. We are the proud parents of a child who has resisted his teachers attempts to break his spirit and bend him to the will of his corporate masters. We have a daughter in public school who hasnt been knocked up yet. We have a son in public school who hasnt shot any of his classmates yet. I firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain. On the radio. You will do things in the name of a group that you would never do on your own. And they all vote. They come from American homes, American families, American schools, American churches, and American businesses. The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers, but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. [] I look at war a little bit differently. No neonatal care, no daycare, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. The Trump administration is channeling George Carlin's "Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television." It has banned seven words and phrases from the Centers for Disease Control and . 50. You don't wait thirty years. If you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent politicians, and they get into office and screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You know what the motto for this country ought to be? The government doesn't care about you, or your children, or your rights, or your welfare or your safety. Leave these fucking people alone for Christs sake. His parents split up when he was an infant because his . By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. George Carlin, 10. Below youll find the best collection of George Carlin quotes. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day. And now, ladies and gentlemen, that we've enjoyed some good times this evening, and enjoyed some laughter together, I feel it is my obligation to remind you of some of the negative, depressing, dangerous, life-threatening things that life is really all about; things you have not been thinking about tonight, but which will be waiting for you as soon as you leave the theater or as soon as you turn off your television sets. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other peoples stuff. The upper class keeps all of the money, pays none of the taxes. Is this the noblest thing that women can think of? Religion is nothing but mind control. Fascism won it. 27. They own everything. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood. You dont see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? In the army they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people. Contents 1 Quotes 1.1 FM & AM (1972) Have you noticed that there are some people, who when they lose something, their first reaction is that it had to be stolen? But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshiper. ""This country was founded by a group of slave owners who wanted to be. Two to a customer, each item sold separately, batteries not included, mileage may vary, all sales are final, allow six weeks for delivery. A group of slave owners who wanted to be free! His parents divorced when he was two months old, and he . This page was last edited on 1 April 2023, at 02:51. The planet is fine. Thats all weve ever had in this country, is a bill of temporary privileges. In civilian life you go to jail for giving someone an orgasm! Im a loyal American and Im not happy unless I let government and industry poison me a little bit every day. I dont have pet peeves. Selling is legal. They'll get it. George Carlin was one of the most well-known and beloved comedians of all time. That's all the media and the politicians are ever talking aboutthe things that separate us, things that make us different from one another. What did Clinton say? Especially if it's me! The seven dwarfs were each on different little trips. A man in a hospital gown directing traffic. People who have large gums and small teeth. Then you become a baby, and then You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions central heating, room service on tap, and then You finish off as an orgasm. Now there is another phrase I dearly love. They want it back so they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street. Its a fucking sacrilege! You kick him squarely in the nuts, and you get the fuck out of there as fast as you can, and you go tell somebody right away; you tell as many grown-up people as you canone of them is bound to believe you. Actually, I dont care, I drink it anyway. The actual author of this quote is Roger J. Corless, from his book "The Vision of Buddhism: the Space Under the Tree". Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary, it's our way of saying thank you. George Carlin quotes and jokes about humanity. Only once have I lost my cool. ""Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. It's interested in its own power. Every one, every one of those items is provably untrue at one level or another, But let's say it's true; let's say God gave us these rights. Stick to your faggoty polkas and waltzes and that repulsive country line-dancing shit that you do and be yourself, be proud, be white, be lame, and get the fuck off the dance floor! They don't give a fuck about you. A group of slave owners who wanted to be free! We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. Theres a humorous side to every situation. You'll never see the black guys going, "Oh, golly! I guess hard-core fans who follow my stuff closely would be able to spot the fake stuff, because the tone of voice is so different. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Because I think we squandered great gifts. I call it the American Okie Doke. Another great skit by the great stand-up comedian George Carlin who died about two years . Maybe evenremember them? 225 different people in the Ronald Reagan administration have either quit, been fired, arrested, indicted or convicted of either breaking the law or violating the ethics code! "Pre-heated" is a meaningless fucking term! If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, youre going to have selfish, ignorant leaders. George Carlin, 73. You see all, sooner or later. Why would he give us a certain. Nine years ago today we lost not only one of our better comics, but one of our most vital and intelligent voices. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. Men are insecure about the size of their dicks, and so they have to kill one another over the idea. If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance. Laugh until you gasp for breath. George Carlin, 3. There's such balance in nature. You ever watch golf on television? Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. George Carlin, 26. The map is going to change and that's because -- people think nature is outside of them. This ought to get the ball rolling; I'm hoping you people will take it from here. Sooner or later, the people in this country are gonna realize the government does not give a fuck about them! Now, you come along, and pray for something. A brain surgeon with "Born to Lose" tattooed on his hands. George Carlin was an American stand-up comedian, actor, social critic and author. Fuck him and his balls, and his bicycles, and his steroids, and his yellow shirts, and the dumb empty expression on his face. Now, some people like to twist that around. Any old orifice will do for Dopey. Think of the intellect it must take to derive pleasure from this activity: Hitting a ball with a crooked stickand walking after it! People who say they dont care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they dont care what people think. Use your fucking heads! And a mindless game, too. (224), Many people work on war plans; not too many work on peace plans. 2. Hansel and Gretel discovered the ginger bread house about 45 minutes after they discovered the mushrooms. If you're preborn, you're fine; if you're preschool, you're f**ked." "Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. They say, "oh, we're going for a nature walk. Second, I don't vote, because I firmly believe that. Sleepy was into reds. Of course, I'm sure the reverend isn't that comfortable with anything that has two knobs on it. And the greatest arrogance of all: "save the planet." Banana Republic ran out of khakis? 01. ""Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? So maybe it's not the politicians who suck; maybe it's something else. Let me arrive safely back at my hotel room. Deal with it. Did you ever notice that, how many stupid people you run into during the day? Enjoy! Plus he knocked up your daughter. We are the embarrassed parents of a cross-eyed little nit-wit who at the age of ten not only continues to wet the bed but also shits on the school bus.. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. George Carlin, 16. After all, he was one of the most successful comedians of all time! Religion is just trying to control your mind, control your thoughts, so theyre gonna tell you some things you shouldnt say because theyresins. When youre born you get a ticket to the freak show. It creates a hostile work environment. He was regarded as one of the most important and influential stand-up comics of all time. No cash? You see all, sooner or later. On Election Day, I stay home. If I don't like the way someone is driving, I pull up alongside the other car and say, "I hope your children turn out poorly." You dont. It's not intelligent to stand around with a controlled fire sticking out of your mouth. They own everything. 29. It presents itself as fairness, yet attempts to restrict and control peoples language with strict codes and rigid rules. George Carlin, 60. I don't even bring them home anymore. Religion is nothing but mind control. It's convenient. But if the truck was delivering insulin, ah! People who actually know the second verse to "The Star-Spangled Banner." Its the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin different. So I say live and let live. For myself, I have solved this political dilemma in a very direct way. Carlin and his older brother, Pat, were primarily raised by their mother in Manhattan's Morningside Heights neighborhood. Girls who get drunk and throw up at breakfast. So they killed a lot of white English people in order to continue owning their black African people, so they could wipe out the rest of the red Indian people, in order to move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown Mexican people, giving them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons on the yellow Japanese people.
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